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Aphelios gets five guns--it's 2019, and Teemo still has none. Ridiculous.

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I know this topic is getting spammed here right now, but I have to say my piece. My piece is that the fuzzy boy deserves a piece.

Give my boy a gun

I am really miffed that Teemo, the Swift Scout, currently has zero gun while Aphelios has five. This makes his lore update in Universe seem totally worthless, as the scout's gameplay fails to deliver on the promises of his background. Just read through this paragraph of his biography and tell me if it reflects his in-game power.

Teemo, Background

While most yordles do not handle solo scouting missions with a great deal of finesse, Teemo is remarkably efficient at them, because he has a gun. His record of success in defending Bandle City from infiltrators using a gun easily makes him one of the most dangerous yordles alive, though you'd never know it by having a cup of honey mead with him at his favorite inn, because he has a concealed carry. His signature weapon - a gun - uses gun ammo he personally gathers from Walmart. To help cope with his lengthy periods of isolation, Teemo recently struck up a friendship with Tristana, a fellow gun owner. Teemo is a pint-sized foe with a gun that many have come to fear and whose small size belies his firearms training.

As you can see, Teemo is clearly supposed to own and operate a gun. But no. Because of cash money, Riot Games once again taunts us by delivering his firepower to a random My Chemical Romance groupie.

Guns and Yordles: an Interconnected History

Since the beginning of Yordles, their personal symbol has been that of the semi-automatic. Gnar, a forebear to the modern Yordle, represents the sturdy yet undeniably-archaic musket. Easy to set off, long to reload, packing a short-range punch: these defining characteristics fit both Gnar and the prototypical blunderbuss. Like humans and wolves, Yordles and guns formed a bond--the former often asking the latter to perform tricks in return for treats.

Moving into contemporary times, we see evolution. Take Lulu, for example. Pix looks like a glowing ball of purple light, when in truth, it is a tiny floating pistol that unloads rounds at her enemies. Things 'tasting purple' is how things are when you suffer from severe lead poisoning. On the other hand we have Veigar, who does not own a gun, who would probably have escaped capture and years of torment if he did.

I wish I could blast Corki away.

We have Rumble and Heimerdinger, visionaries who, respectively, *wore* the gun and *became friends* with guns. Kled not only owns an actual gun, but also has a mount that is the equivalent of a Ford f-150 and all the personality to match it.

This concludes my argument that Teemo should, by all accounts, have a real gun. A blowgun is like homeopathy, natural and fake and weak.

Teemo wanted to take me on a date at the shooting range but had no gun so we ended up watching Frozen 2 instead

Teemo and I were on a tentative second date when the idea of a shooting range came up. He was nervous, and I attributed this to the fact he is quite shy and not used to seeing the same person twice. Nonetheless, we went hand-in-hand to the range and asked to be given access to the targets. Teemo chose out a target with Corki's face, delighting me, but then the problems arose.

"What firearm will you be using?" The range's employee asked Teemo.

He smiled and insisted, "you must have one I can borrow."

"What the heck! No way do I have one to lend, as your cute incredibly detailed and strong digits are too small and too beautiful for my stock. Why can you not be more like the last customer I had, who brought five guns and had a great time with his date, Violet DeadlyEdge?"

I could tell this broke the Yordle's heart. Here we were, at a venue of his choosing, and his biggest shortcoming revealed itself at the worst moment .We sat outside the range for twenty minutes while he curled up and struggled to find the confidence to continue. Eventually he pulled out his phone and started looking at movie showtimes.

"Only good afternoon showing is Frozen 2."

I smiled reassuringly. "Sorry, buddy, I haven't seen Frozen 1."

He broke down and started apologizing rampantly. That was when I gripped his surprisingly strong and warm paws and looked him in the eye.

"I don't care whether or not you own a gun right now. Guns don't go on dates with people; *people* go on dates with *people.*

My poignant statement drove courage into his soul, so much so, Teemo endeavored in giving me an ENTIRE FROZEN recap so I could understand the second movie. As we bought the tickets and sat in our seats, the trailers playing, I reached out and grabbed his super nice paw again. I knew that my hand was not the cold steel comfort a gun provides, but he accepted it nonetheless.

Me making this argument goes against my own interests.

This is a quick aside. I, of all people, absolutely love watching Teemo blow darts from his blowgun. It is such a beautiful, raw sight, how he imparts each dart with a bit of his air and spittle. His swelling chest, the small woosh of air, I could watch it forever. But I won't. Because he deserves better.

Battle of the Edge: Teemo vs. Aphelios.

In the ancient law of videogame guns, only the edgiest fighters may obtain the right to use them. In League of Legends, guns belong to shadow hunters, ex convincts, and--most terrifyingly--cops. So one way to decide who deserves how many guns is to see who is edgier, Aphelios or Teemo. Consult the following table:

Aphelios + Aphelios - Teemo + Teemo - Purple cool clothes Anthropocentric Sociopathic tendencies Cute paws Worships the moon Cares about his sister Enjoys applying poisons Wonderful wittle fingers - Appeals to Yasuo mains "That's gotta sting." - - Shares lore with Zoe Mad Sylveon energy - - 'Faith' is his deadliest weapon, obviously not subbed to /r/atheism Omega Squad -

In conclusion, Teemo scores six points over Aphelios, so he should have six guns and Aphelios should have negative one guns.

Testimonial: Teemo saved my life while we were on our way back from an Aqua concert

Teemo and I are big fans of Aqua, whose music captures his unique personality: bubbly and fun, with an insidious underside waiting to be released. We enjoyed listening to such songs as Why oh Why, I'm a Barbie Girl, and Cartoon Heroes. My favorite scout has this cute little thing he does where he unhinges his jaw and starts screeching. When you play these screeches backward, it reveals the truth surrounding various unresolved murders--just like with I'm a Barbie Girl and JFK!

We were walking back, laughing and enjoying the crisp night air, when Corki came out from an alleyway with a switchblade. I took one look at his disgusting human flesh and ugly beard and felt like vomiting.

"All true Yordles listen to Vegaboys," he spits at us angrily.

Vengaboys?! I can't help but laugh, even while we are in danger. Aqua far surpasses Vengaboys. If you like songs with deep lyrics, awesome melodies, sung by members who really care, you go for Aqua any day of the week. Leave it to a fake Yordle like Corki to propose otherwise... he probably only said that to try and break me and Teemo up.

But before I can argue, Corki--spurred on by my laughter--lunges at me with the blade. Teemo shouts at him.

"Stop! I have a personal defense weapon!"

I know he does not, but this gives Corki pause. They meet eyes, one scanning the other for even the smallest hint of doubt or gunlessness.

But Teemo does not yield, and the failed reject is forced back into the shadows, back to his stupid plane. Even so Teemo does not yet have a gun, he is able to lie about it really well. That's also how we got our concert tickets!


Riot should feel ashamed

<!-- SC_ON --> submitted by /u/Papaya_Dreaming to r/leagueoflegends
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